Self-Conscious

I don’t know about anyone else out there, but I cannot function in any part of my life when I am too self-conscious. There is a certain amount of this feeling you have to go through in order to get things moving, but after that you need to discard self-awareness and move forward. Let me give you examples:

*I am practicing wing chun. I have to be self-conscious enough to learn the techniques and perform them properly, but then I need to eliminate that feeling and get to a point where it comes natural. One sure-fire way to lose a fight is to start thinking!

*When I write a story, I have to be conscious of the layout at first. I have to be sure everything makes sense, that there are no major lapses in logic. However, once that is all ironed out, I should be able to just plow ahead.

*Music: song structure, what chords I use, and so on…working on these is all self-conscious. But once the song has been composed, it’s time to shift into the zone and STAY there. I can’t be on stage thinking, “Which chord and/or lyric comes next?’

*Interactions with other people: this can be VERY debilitating. I can’t stand feeling like I can’t be myself around someone. Whenever someone makes me feel this way, I cut ties. However, sometimes this isn’t always done so easily if the emotional investment is deeper than usual.

Fortunately I am in a position right now where I don’t really have any ties to anyone except family. If I want to sever every relationship in the world and sit home reading, writing and playing video games, I can. Lately I have been feeling like that might actually be the best thing for me. When I decide to come back to those relationships, the ones that were worth keeping will still be there. The ones that weren’t…won’t be.

I’ve got a lot to think about, and hardly any time to devote to it. But I will work it out. I mean, what other choice do I have???

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About Steve Grogan

I am 40 years old, divorced, and a father of four kids. I am a practitioner of a self-defense system called wing chun kung fu. My other hobbies include writing, playing guitar, reading, watching movies, and listening to music. Recently I have gotten back into fitness, and this time I am DETERMINED to get the washboard abs...whether my metabolism will cooperate with me or not! The purpose of this blog is to write not only about my hobbies, but also about whatever crosses my mind, whether it is something I don't understand or something that aggravates me. So join me as I indulge my tendency to think too much about topics that don't usually cross anyone else's mind!
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