The Vicious Circle of Gloom and Doom

Writing this is like asking everyone on the internet to come over to my house and pour salt in a fresh cut, but I have to get it out of my system. Ever since I was a kid, writing has been my only real way to vent. Today I need this release more than ever…even if a million trolls come out of the woodwork to attack me.

A few weeks ago, I moved out of my house. My marriage is basically over; there is just no legal decision from a court dissolving it. I’m not getting into why. After all, by simply mentioning it, I feel like I have already said too much, but I am bringing it up to go on to the issue I really wanted to discuss.

Obviously the break-up of a marriage is a major trauma to go through, especially when a child is involved. William is five; I am so used to going home and being able to talk to him, to play games with him, to hug him, and it kills me to not be able to do that. So I have been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off missing him.

It worked a little at first. I hung out with friends, dove into my writing, even played video games on an old Sega Genesis that my friend brought over. However, as the days wore on, none of this helped. I could not keep myself happy. A black cloud overtook me.

And there’s the rub.

Most people in this world have SOME kind of intuition about them. They can tell when someone is a walking pile of sadness. People have already started to perceive this about me, so those who are just acquaintances have bailed on me.

So what affect does that have on me? I sink FURTHER into sadness because people are finding me too unbearable to be around. In other words, my solution to my misery is failing…which makes me more miserable.

What happens after that? It gets so bad that even people who have been my friends for years, who have more of an emotional investment in me, are also jumping ship.

And what happens? The depression gets worse; the black cloud gets bigger.

The biggest part of my adult life is dissolving. I need companionship and friendship now more than ever, but the one thing that makes me NEED that companionship is the same thing driving all would-be companions away.

I haven’t felt this down on myself since high school. I need to break this cycle before it’s too late, before all my friends and family have walked away.

I’m scared to think of where a path like this might lead.

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About Steve Grogan

I am 40 years old, divorced, and a father of four kids. I am a practitioner of a self-defense system called wing chun kung fu. My other hobbies include writing, playing guitar, reading, watching movies, and listening to music. Recently I have gotten back into fitness, and this time I am DETERMINED to get the washboard abs...whether my metabolism will cooperate with me or not! The purpose of this blog is to write not only about my hobbies, but also about whatever crosses my mind, whether it is something I don't understand or something that aggravates me. So join me as I indulge my tendency to think too much about topics that don't usually cross anyone else's mind!
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4 Responses to The Vicious Circle of Gloom and Doom

  1. Deanmcsmith says:

    As Shrek would say ‘better out than in’ matey. Get every minute of time you can with your son Steve, and be decent to your ex, even when its through gritted teeth. Keep the harsh words you want to use to yourself, you’ll forget them but I guarantee that if you say them in front of your child he never will. Take care.

    • wcman1976 says:

      Dean,

      Thanks for the comment. However, I think there is one thing I did not make clear: there is no fear (on my part anyway) of saying anything resentful to my ex in front of my son. My biggest concern right now is the bubble of loneliness that surrounds me. People around me perceive the negativity, and they keep their distance…which only serves to make this big dark cloud over me EXPAND. I need to get off this path before I am completely abandoned.

      • Deanmcsmith says:

        Real friends, and I have a couple, that is two of them, are there through everything. By the time you’ve finished walking on this path, you’ll know who yours are too. My own comment above is based on the biggest regret I have. I thought I wouldn’t ever say anything I’d regret, then events conspired…you know how it is.
        The truth about the black cloud is that it’s completely normal. Completely. Underlined and in capital letters! Real friends know this, and don’t mind you asking for a little help.

        • wcman1976 says:

          Yes, people who are already true friends will be understanding, but I lament the fact that there are some people who could POTENTIALLY be good friends…but who have had the misfortune of coming along at this dark period in my life. So they take off (not that I blame them), leaving our potential friendship unrealized.

          Then again, I guess at this point I should focus on appreciating what I HAVE, instead of what I never even owned in the first place!

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