Writing this is like asking everyone on the internet to come over to my house and pour salt in a fresh cut, but I have to get it out of my system. Ever since I was a kid, writing has been my only real way to vent. Today I need this release more than ever…even if a million trolls come out of the woodwork to attack me.
A few weeks ago, I moved out of my house. My marriage is basically over; there is just no legal decision from a court dissolving it. I’m not getting into why. After all, by simply mentioning it, I feel like I have already said too much, but I am bringing it up to go on to the issue I really wanted to discuss.
Obviously the break-up of a marriage is a major trauma to go through, especially when a child is involved. William is five; I am so used to going home and being able to talk to him, to play games with him, to hug him, and it kills me to not be able to do that. So I have been trying to stay busy to keep my mind off missing him.
It worked a little at first. I hung out with friends, dove into my writing, even played video games on an old Sega Genesis that my friend brought over. However, as the days wore on, none of this helped. I could not keep myself happy. A black cloud overtook me.
And there’s the rub.
Most people in this world have SOME kind of intuition about them. They can tell when someone is a walking pile of sadness. People have already started to perceive this about me, so those who are just acquaintances have bailed on me.
So what affect does that have on me? I sink FURTHER into sadness because people are finding me too unbearable to be around. In other words, my solution to my misery is failing…which makes me more miserable.
What happens after that? It gets so bad that even people who have been my friends for years, who have more of an emotional investment in me, are also jumping ship.
And what happens? The depression gets worse; the black cloud gets bigger.
The biggest part of my adult life is dissolving. I need companionship and friendship now more than ever, but the one thing that makes me NEED that companionship is the same thing driving all would-be companions away.
I haven’t felt this down on myself since high school. I need to break this cycle before it’s too late, before all my friends and family have walked away.
I’m scared to think of where a path like this might lead.