Abused Becomes Abuser

This is not meant to be a generalization. It is merely my take on things that I have observed and opinions formed based on what I have seen.

Throughout my life I have met many females who were dating guys that they called “jerks.” Sometimes these men were “jerks” simply because they didn’t meet the woman’s “needs.” (In my opinion, I don’t think these guys qualified as TRUE jerks. After all, is it really the guy’s fault that they’re dating someone who is incompatible with them? In this situation, the blame can’t really be placed on EITHER party.)

Sometimes these women truly were dating some bastards, guys who were mentally, emotionally, or physically abusive. These are men truly deserving of the title “jerk,” right? So the women would complain they didn’t have a “nice guy.” They would wonder why they could never get one. I have an answer for them: more often than not, “nice guys” are overweight and not so cute in the face, while it seems like “jerks” are always “hot.” Here’s a tip, ladies: if you want to be treated right, go for the not-so-hot “nice guy.” In other words, lower your superficial standards!

There have been rare occasions when a woman will actually enter a relationship with a “nice guy.” You would think that she would be happy, not to mention relieved to have a man who gave her all the respect and love that none of the “jerks” did.

Maybe somewhere deep down inside, she IS happy, but on the surface a funny thing starts to happen. This formerly ABUSED woman becomes the ABUSER, and the “nice guy” she has been praying for becomes the target of all kinds of attacks.

No matter what he does, it’s never good enough. If he picks up flowers for her for no reason other than to show his love for her, she will complain they are a kind she doesn’t like. If he takes her out to a restaurant, she will say she hates the food there. He’s too early, he’s too late, he doesn’t pay enough attention, he’s too clingy, he’s too needy. She doesn’t care what he DOES do for her. Instead, she complains about what he DIDN’T do, or what he did do but only 99% to her liking. (Anything short of 100% isn’t good enough!) Day after day, the poor bastard is ground into the dirt until he finally wises up and splits. And the punchline? The woman goes back to wondering where all the “nice guys” are and why she can’t find one.

Why does this happen? Over the years I have been able to develop only one theory. It may be “wrong,” but it’s the only one that makes sense.

You have a woman who has been abused for years. She has gotten used to it. Then she finds herself with a “nice guy.” In the past, SHE was the “nice” half of the relationship, but now her partner is the same way. It isn’t long before it dawns on her, “This isn’t right. Someone should be getting treated like shit by this point.” Years of abuse have got her conditioned to believe it’s NORMAL for one partner to push the other down instead of lift them up. And when the “nice guy” doesn’t supply her with that sense of normalcy, she takes it upon herself to bring the pain!

And BOOM! There you have it, folks: Stevie G’s theory on why the abused will often become the abuser even when they finally land a “nice guy.” On a different (but not unrelated) note, some people might read this and say, “Steve, your article is bull shit right from the start because THERE ARE NO MORE NICE GUYS!”

I would partially agree: “nice guys” definitely are rare, but do you want to know the REASON they’re so scarce? The answer is simple: after years of being treated like shit, they give up. Being “nice” gets you nowhere, so you might as well be a dick. The moment you do, that is when the women start flocking to you! And so the cycle of abuse continues.

Do you agree? Disagree? Let me know your thoughts!

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About Steve Grogan

I am 40 years old, divorced, and a father of four kids. I am a practitioner of a self-defense system called wing chun kung fu. My other hobbies include writing, playing guitar, reading, watching movies, and listening to music. Recently I have gotten back into fitness, and this time I am DETERMINED to get the washboard abs...whether my metabolism will cooperate with me or not! The purpose of this blog is to write not only about my hobbies, but also about whatever crosses my mind, whether it is something I don't understand or something that aggravates me. So join me as I indulge my tendency to think too much about topics that don't usually cross anyone else's mind!
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