If…No, WHEN I Get Hot

NOTE: Before anyone gets all pissy or thinks I am arrogant or a chauvinist, PLEASE understand this article is chock full of daydreams and “what if” scenarios. In all honesty I don’t expect any of it to come true, but sometimes it’s fun to drift into this fantasy land.

Some people say I’m a dreamer.

I fire back at them, “But I’m not the only one!”

(I will wait until the laughter over my cleverness dies down.)

Seriously though, I daydream a lot. Mostly this occurs when I am dwelling on my lack of romantic prospects. My friends tell me if I just moved to New York City where there’s a larger artsy community, I’d be a ladies’ man, but I can’t move down there, My kids live in upstate New York, and I cannot abandon them merely for the chance at some easy ass.

At some point, the weight of this this depressing situation forces me to drop my head. When I do that, I catch sight of my gut. I think to myself, “I wonder what would happen if THAT weren’t there.”

Actually, I already know. In Denver, I was down to 170 lbs., a good weight for my height. Wherever I went, women would come up and talk to ME FIRST. It was an unusual (and mind-blowing) feeling, but it didn’t last long: I moved back to New York and got fat again.

I wonder how I would have reacted to the attention in the long haul. To be more specific, I wonder what would happen if women who gave me the brush-off when I was a FAT nerd were suddenly flocking to me when I was a HOT one. My reaction could go a couple different ways, depending on what kind of mentality I develop as I build this physique.

(1) THE “BITTER, CYNICAL” REACTION: Let’s call the female in these scenarios “Ignore Girl.” She never gave me the time of day when I was Fat Nerd. Now I am Hot Nerd, and my inbox and texts get flooded. Imagine this exchange, if you will.

IGNORE GIRL: you want to hang out sometime?
ME: sure, but there is just one problem
IGNORE GIRL: what’s that?
ME: underneath the muscles, I’m still the same nerdy artsy weirdo that you didn’t even LOOK at twice a few months ago. Now you want to hang out, and why? Because I’m ripped? Well FUCK YOU, you shallow bitch!

(2) GOOD OLD-FASHIONED SLEAZY REVENGE: This comes from some dark, sadistic place inside me that I hope is buried pretty deep. Then again, if this idea was able to surface, then maybe it’s not as safely tucked away as I would like. (Hell, it’s bad enough it even exists in the first place!)

Anyway, this scenario is almost exactly the same as the first, except I would not tell Ignore Girl to take a flying leap. Instead, I would hang out with her. Could be once, could be a few times. Long story short: at some point, we would have sex.

This is what I wanted, right? I longed for this gorgeous woman to give herself to me, and she did. Thanks to my washboard abs, she and I can now move ahead and see where this goes, right?

Wrong.

After we were done, I would say to her, “You know, it’s weird. A few months ago I was a fat nerd you didn’t want to pay any attention to.”

Ignore Girl laughs and says, “I know, right? It’s kinda funny.”

At this point I would give her a long, passionate kiss. I’d run my fingers through her hair. Then I would look her in the eyes and say, “No, it’s not funny. It’s superficial. You are a shallow, soulless bitch. Now get dressed and shake your ass on home.”

It is dark and depraved, but WAY cooler than the straightforward “piss off” version. Why? Because in this option, I get some!

As much as version 2 makes me chuckle, I have to admit it’s not who I am. While I have a vindictive river running through me, I don’t think it goes that deep…or that wide. In reality, I think my reaction to the attention will fall in the last category.

(3) A GENTLEMANLY BLEND OF THE TWO: Certain women would get version 1, albeit without the violent, curse word-ridden refusal. It would go like this: “Stacy, you never liked me when I was fat. Don’t get me wrong: I am flattered that you think I’m hot now, but I’m still the same guy underneath, the same one that you never even gave a second thought.”

Naturally, there are some women who would get version 2. However, instead of getting kicked out at the end, they would be staying with me. Yes, their decision to pay attention to me would be based on a superficial reason, but so what? Once they’ve finally got their foot in the door and given me a chance, they may grow to love the sweet nerd trapped inside the stud.

Now before I get too carried away and the reader rolls their eyes in disbelief (if you haven’t already), this is all just wild speculation and daydreaming. For all I know, I will STILL be ignored even if I have the hottest body on the planet. After all, it happened to me with music. All while I was growing up, I used to hear that musicians get laid left and right. Well I played music for MANY years, and it didn’t earn me one single groupie! Granted, groupies weren’t why I got into music, but they would have been an awesome bonus!

Anyway, as I said, at this point it’s all conjecture. My goal is to lose a pound per week. A year is 52 weeks. That means if all goes according to plan, I should be down 26 pounds or so by summer. Hopefully I’ll have some entertaining things to report!

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About Steve Grogan

I am 40 years old, divorced, and a father of four kids. I am a practitioner of a self-defense system called wing chun kung fu. My other hobbies include writing, playing guitar, reading, watching movies, and listening to music. Recently I have gotten back into fitness, and this time I am DETERMINED to get the washboard abs...whether my metabolism will cooperate with me or not! The purpose of this blog is to write not only about my hobbies, but also about whatever crosses my mind, whether it is something I don't understand or something that aggravates me. So join me as I indulge my tendency to think too much about topics that don't usually cross anyone else's mind!
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